I am an old woman now. Yes, people will still exclaim "oh you aren't Old!" even though I will be 61 in two months (why do people do that??) but I know that I am not only old I lately Feel and Look Old. I'm lucky, I've only felt this way for a couple of years. Definitely only started to Look old in my late fifties. But it is here. I've receive one death sentence, a COPD diagnosis over a year ago. I'm pretty sure that whatever is going to kill me is already at work in me somewhere. I have trouble breathing sometimes and feel my heart doing things it shouldn't. Am I afraid of death? Somewhat. I feel farther from God than ever in my life. That's pretty scary and I am trying to fix it. I bought a Bible not long ago. Started watching biblical documentaries, history of all religions. Life after death stories. Preparing myself. The terrifying part for me is those I will leave behind. It seems like I have too many people totally dependant on me. And I ...
I am dying of a dozen different things but still here. I'm pretty sure I came very close a few times lately. One night while sick with my third virus this year I woke and couldn't breathe. It felt like my lung capacity was the size of a sandwich baggie. After about 15 minutes I thought to use an inhaler and saved myself. If I had died I would have died without any real Last Thoughts. Weird. Maybe i just didn't get that far?? My only thought was I CAN'T BREATHE! No prayers, goodbyes, regrets - nothing. I still stress sometimes about What Will Happen to my household. The four in my care. But I also accept that they will go on somehow. I've lost that feeling of Importance. That delusion. Maybe I Really Was going to be, do, something someday but I am not and did not. That makes me sad sometimes but I accepted it looking at my Life last year. I'm sorry.
Funny I thought I was ugly growing up. An insecurity I would never totally shed although I did realize that many people found me attractive. When I was very young I think it came mostly from being different than the children around me, who were all white. I remember praying every night that I would wake up with light skin, blue eyes and blond hair. I remember soaking in the bath and then scrubbing my skin hard to try to wash off the dark skin. In my late teens I began to appreciate my ancestry. I knew that a lot of men noticed me Because I was Asian. I came into my own as they say in my 40s. I understood that I was a very attractive woman "for my age" and seemed to be noticed by men of all ages. Then i started getting old. It seemed to happen overnight. The mirror started showing me a woman who not only looked very old but very ugly again. Sometimes I feel hideously ugly. I Hate having my picture taken. Full circle. I started out that way. I remember school picture day was to...
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