The Death Project

  Funny thing, death. All the little things that will be left unsaid and undone no matter how we plan. 

 My life was saved, an aneurysm that was likely to kill me was going and repaired last month. And I think WHY  Not that I was wanting to die, especially without my "affairs" in order,  but Why Me this miracle of survival when I am so useless? Kirk died 10 days ago. That has been hard on all of us.  I don't believe any two people grieve the same.  I have been trying to help Kira thru hers and have felt like I was failing her every minute.  Then I got the day for her therapy appointment confused, thought it was tomorrow and she missed it. She screamed at me,  the worst part was her telling me that in not qualified or able to care for her properly.  That cur SO DEEPLY because it is so True. In not even capable of taking care of myself. I have 4 people I am responsible for and u am failing with ALL of them. Not just because u an unable. Kira had it right. I am INCAPABLE.  I have to change everything. I have to remove myself from this situation. T...

I really seriously thought about killing myself on Christmas.  Usually thinking about the family who Needs me stops such thoughts but that night when I pictured the few remaining family I have starting to Hate me like the rest I didn't want to live to see it. I even considered how to do it. I thought about just taking all my pills but then I was afraid Dr. Gold would get in trouble if i did that. Then i thought about driving my car into a wall but that would leave Jeremy without transportation.  So I didn't.  But I really don't want to live through any more heartache and i know there will be more. There always is.

Funny I thought I was ugly growing up. An insecurity I would never totally shed although I did realize that many people found me attractive. When I was very young I think it came mostly from being different than the children around me, who were all white. I remember praying every night that I would wake up with light skin, blue eyes and blond hair. I remember soaking in the bath and then scrubbing my skin hard to try to wash off the dark skin. In my late teens I began to appreciate my ancestry. I knew that a lot of men noticed me Because I was Asian. I came into my own as they say in my 40s. I understood that I was a very attractive woman "for my age" and seemed to be noticed by men of all ages. Then i started getting old. It seemed to happen overnight. The mirror started showing me a woman who not only looked very old but very ugly again. Sometimes I feel hideously ugly. I Hate having my picture taken. Full circle. I started out that way. I remember school picture day was to...

I am an old woman now. Yes, people will still exclaim "oh you aren't Old!" even though I will be 61 in two months (why do people do that??) but I know that I am not only old I lately Feel and Look Old. I'm lucky, I've only felt this way for a couple of years. Definitely only started to Look old in my late fifties. But it is here. I've receive one death sentence, a COPD diagnosis over a year ago. I'm pretty sure that whatever is going to kill me is already at work in me somewhere. I have trouble breathing sometimes and feel my heart doing things it shouldn't. Am I afraid of death? Somewhat. I feel farther from God than ever in my life. That's pretty scary and I am trying to fix it. I bought a Bible not long ago. Started watching biblical documentaries, history of all religions. Life after death stories. Preparing myself. The terrifying part for me is those I will leave behind. It seems like I have too many people totally dependant on me. And I ...