Appearance

Funny I thought I was ugly growing up. An insecurity I would never totally shed although I did realize that many people found me attractive. When I was very young I think it came mostly from being different than the children around me, who were all white. I remember praying every night that I would wake up with light skin, blue eyes and blond hair. I remember soaking in the bath and then scrubbing my skin hard to try to wash off the dark skin. In my late teens I began to appreciate my ancestry. I knew that a lot of men noticed me Because I was Asian.

I came into my own as they say in my 40s. I understood that I was a very attractive woman "for my age" and seemed to be noticed by men of all ages.

Then i started getting old. It seemed to happen overnight. The mirror started showing me a woman who not only looked very old but very ugly again. Sometimes I feel hideously ugly. I Hate having my picture taken. Full circle. I started out that way. I remember school picture day was torture. If I hadn't destroyed most of them there would be years of awkward, self conscious, school pictures from every year of school.

I dont look in the mirror if I can help it any more. The face looking back doesn't even look familiar any more. I am often startled to see myself in dreams, too. 

I have beautiful children and grandchildren. I pray they all age more gracefully than I have!!